The Emotional Vampire Survival Guide

Emotional vampires are similar to the vampires of myth in that they feed on people, victimize others, draining them in order to gain strength. And like the glamorous Hollywood and literary vampires that are deeply ingrained in our popular culture, often they seduce with beauty, impress with real or imagined abilities, gain our trust or sympathy before victimizing us. But that's where the similarities end. Unlike the glamorous vampires of legend, these people are really very ordinary. They don't seek our blood, but our lives, our life forces, our happiness. Unfortunately, no amount of happiness will satisfy them --You can render them powerless -- not with garlic or crosses. Signs that you’ve encounterd and emotional vampire (from “Emotional Freedom” by Judith Orloff MD) • Your eyelids are heavy—you’re ready for a nap • Your mood takes a nosedive • You want to binge on carbs or comfort foods • You feel anxious, depressed, or negative • You feel put down, sniped at, or slimed Types of Emotional Vampires Style Vampire : The Narcissist Their motto is “Me first.” Everything is all about them. They have a grandiose sense of self-importance and entitlement, hog attention, and crave admiration. They’re dangerous because they lack empathy and have a limited capacity for unconditional love. If you don’t do things their way, they become punishing, withholding, or cold. How to Protect Your Emotions: Keep your expectations realistic. These are emotionally limited people. Try not to fall in love with one or expect them to be selfless or love without strings attached. Never make your self-worth dependent on them or confide your deepest feelings to someone who won’t cherish them. To successfully communicate, the hard truth is that you must show how something will be to their benefit. Though it’s better not to have to contend with this tedious ego stroking, if the relationship is unavoidable use the above strategies to achieved desired results. Style Vampire : The Victim These vampires grate on you with their “poor-me’ attitude and are allergic to taking responsibility for their actions. The world is always against them, the reason for their unhappiness. When you offer a solution to their problems they always say, “Yes, but.” You might end up screening your calls or purposely avoid them. As a friend, you may want to help but their tales of woe overwhelm you. How to Protect Your Emotions: Set kind but firm limits. Listen briefly and tell a friend or relative, “I love you but I can only listen for a few minutes unless you want to discuss solutions. Then I’d be thrilled to brainstorm with you.” With a coworker, listen briefly, sympathize by saying, “I’ll keep good thought for things to work out. Then say, I hope you understand, but I’m on deadline and must go back to work. Then use “this isn’t a good time” body language such as crossing your arms and breaking eye contact to help set these healthy limits. Style Vampire : The Controller These people obsessively try to control you and dictate what you’re supposed to be and feel. They have an opinion about everything. They’ll control you by invalidating your emotions if they don’t fit into their rulebook. They often start sentences with “You know what you need?” and then proceed to tell you. You end up feeling dominated, demeaned, or put down. How to Protect Your Emotions: The secret to success is never try and control a controller. Be healthily assertive, but don’t tell them what to do. You can say, “I value your advice but really need to work through this myself.” Be confident but don’t play the victim or sweat the small stuff. Focus on high priority issues rather than on putting the cap on the toothpaste. Style Vampire : The Splitter or Borderline Personality Splitters see things as either good or bad and have love/hate relationships. One minute they idealize you, the next you’re the enemy if you upset them. They have a sixth sense for knowing how to pit people against each another and will retaliate if they feel you have wronged them. They are people who are fundamentally damaged—inwardly they feel as if they don’t exist and become alive when they get angry. They’ll keep you on an emotional rollercoaster and you may walk on eggshells to avoid their anger. How to Protect Your Emotions: Stay calm. Don’t react when your buttons get pushed. Splitters feed off of anger. They respond best to structure and limit setting. If one goes into a rage, tell the person, “I’m leaving until you get calmer. Then we can talk.” Refuse to take sides when he or she tries to turn you against someone else. With family members, it’s best to show a united front and not let a splitter’s venomous opinions poison your relationships. And here are a few other tips... 1. Spot the vampire. The best defense is a good offense. Knowing the signs will be a huge help to avoiding these sorts of people in the first place! 2. "You're not invited into this house!" Like the vampires of legend, EVs are powerless without an invitation to dine on your good intentions. Don't be afraid to say NO when someone is taking up too much of your time, or asking for favors that make you feel uncomfortable. Most people know when they are asking for too much. An EV does not. Draw your boundaries and stick to your guns. Save your good nature for people who care for you and will have your back when things get problematic for you. 3. Minimize contact, control information. If you must deal with these people, remember that your life is your business. Handle all personal information on a "need to know" basis. You don't need to be paranoid; just choose to share with those you trust. You don't need to behave rudely about it, either, just avoid sharing (or oversharing) any sensitive information. Try to spend as little time and energy on an EV as possible. Save the best parts of yourself for the healthy relationships in your life! 4. The power of positivity. This WILL help you! During times when you must deal with an EV, prepare yourself with a "bubble" of positivity. Meditate and imagine an impenetrable bubble around yourself like an invisible force field. Imagine that the bubble is flexible and moves with you, but is filled up with a "padding" of positive vibrations. Imagine that the EV cannot get through your special bubble. Nothing that he or she does can touch you inside the bubble -- this visualization is a very powerful one, and can work in many situations where you need extra protection! 5. Lastly, realize that an EV is beyond help. You may be made to feel as though you are the only one who can make them "happy," but the truth is that nothing will ever be enough for them. And, long after you are a distant memory left to clean up the destruction they have left in their wake, the EV will have moved onto another victim who then becomes their "perfect" savior. The best you can do is to realize that s/he is someone else's problem now. Don't allow them back into your life! Adapted from Dr. Judith Orloff’s New York Times Bestseller “Emotional Freedom: Liberate Yourself From Negative Emotions and Transform Your Life” (Three Rivers Press, 2011) Now, I’d like your read your experiences and comments from you! Have nice weekend my friends! Lorena