"Men, feelings and emotions"

Our emotional state often dictates how we behave. Men and women may handle emotions in quite different ways. When upset, women are more likely to express their feelings directly, and to seek the support of friends and family, whereas men might hide their emotions or withdraw. Men often feel that they need to be self-reliant. They are sometimes focussed on providing for their loved ones and hide their own emotions. This behaviour is reinforced everyday in the stereotype of the heroic male, so often represented in popular culture. Fearless, resourceful, stoic and usually facing adversity alone, these characters tell us a lot about what is considered to be ideal male behaviour within our society. Young boys are more stressed by emotion than girls This difference in male/female emotion processing is evident from a young age. Women need to be more tuned into their emotions than men because they are, more often, the ones who rear children (of course, this is a generalisation and there are always exceptions). One research study showed that young boys were much quicker to try to switch off a recording of a baby crying than young girls were. The researchers at first reasoned that this was because of male insensitivity. But it turned out that the boys had much higher levels of stress hormone in their bloodstreams than the girls did on hearing the emotionally arousing trigger. Men are actually more sensitive to emotion and so more likely to avoid it. This gender difference persists through life and old men are much more likely to die soon after the loss of a partner than an elderly wife when she loses her husband. More powerful than film characters are the roles we see our parents playing. Many men have experienced fathers who were emotionally distant, who rarely, if ever, cried or expressed affection outwardly. The way we see our parents behave becomes the unconscious template for our own behaviour. The four basic emotions It is helpful to think in terms of four basic human emotions: •Happiness •Anger •Fear •Sadness Of these four emotions, happiness is considered the most acceptable in society. Yet anger, fear and sadness are universally felt by everyone. These emotions serve valuable purposes and are normal responses to threat and loss. As emotions such as fear and sadness are generally not as accepted, men might try to hide these from themselves and those around them. They feel that they should be able cope on their own. Individuals might try to cope with ‘negative’ emotions in one or more of the following ways: •Withdrawing from family and friends •Working longer hours •Spending more time away from home •Consuming more alcohol •Behaving recklessly and/or violently We might not always be able to identify what we’re feeling or have the words to describe our emotions. Men may feel uncomfortable talking to someone about them, leading to frustration in relationships when they cannot express their needs, fears and grief. Why talk about it? The restriction of emotional expression in many men’s lives can lead to: •A greater sense of isolation •Less support being available from loved ones •Health issues, due to carrying chronic tension in the body and other bad coping strategies •Relationship difficulties due to an inability to resolve emotional conflicts and/or a perceived lack of ability to be intimate •Psychological problems such as depression, insomnia and anxiety. Getting in touch Men are often told they have to ‘get in touch with their feelings,’ but what does this really mean and how do you do it? Here are some strategies for getting to know your own feelings better: •Be aware of the sensations in your body. Emotion always manifests somewhere in the body. Anger might be experienced as a flush of heat in the face, sadness as a tightening of the throat, anxiety as a knot in the stomach. Take a moment to acknowledge the feeling(s) and take a few breaths to help identify these sensations and understand what they mean. •If you are feeling angry, ask yourself what other emotions you might be feeling? Are you really sad underneath, or afraid? •Learn to put words to what you are feeling. Often it helps to write down or brainstorm ideas before a conversation. •Identifying and expressing feelings is a learnt behaviour – and like driving a car, it only takes practice. •Take the risk of showing your vulnerability with people who you feel safe with. Give yourself permission to be human, it could bring you closer to others and may even bring a sense of relief. •Ask for help when you need it. Let's have some understanding The best way to relate to one another is for men to appreciate that a woman needs to off load sometimes and for a woman to know that a man may prefer to talk about practicalities rather than how he is feeling. So a man, when he realises that his partner is upset or worried about something, can ask her if she would like to talk about it. But then he needs to resist the temptation to offer advice or tell her what to do! Just listen and affirm her feelings. Conversely, a woman who notices something is up can think twice before asking that frightening question - 'How do you feel?' or before starting to say 'I feel'. A good alternative might perhaps be to say 'It might be a good idea if we do such-and-such about that - This makes it action orientated and therefore less threatening to her male partner. Remember strong emotion physically harms a man and is a cue to action rather than discussion.